my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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