Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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