I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
