You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
