True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
