My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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