i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
