Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
