Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
