i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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