Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I would fuck him just for his dog
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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