P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
