He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
