sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
