I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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