I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
