Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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