my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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