Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
