Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
