if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
