okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
