I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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