all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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