I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
