The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
