your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
