I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
