I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
