I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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