New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
