dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
try to milk me bitch
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