Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
BRING THE BAGELS
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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