I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize