I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
