i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
