I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
