I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
