Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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