I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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