I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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