They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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