i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
