I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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