A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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