matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
