As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
