I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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