I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
