If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Fuck appropriateness.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
