i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
