How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
