but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
