Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
