That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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