He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
there is glitter all over my balls
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize