You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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