you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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