mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
