I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize