3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
