After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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