yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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